Apr 212010

by Frank Stabone

No need to mess around. Let’s jump right in with some Baseball talk.

A League of Their Own: Dottie Hinson’s Character Questioned

Dottie is the quintessential five-tool player in women’s baseball. She is the Peaches’ best hitter, fielder and pretty much an assistant coach.

With that said, I am calling out Dottie Hinson for the crappy teammate, coach, wife, and person she is. You heard me. Her actions in A League of Their Own have been overlooked for far too long. It’s about time someone uncovers the fraud that is Dottie Hinson. If no one else is going to, then here I go…

Dottie quit on her teammates when they needed her the most. When her husband Bob comes back from the war, the Peaches are about to start the World Series. Just by their little interactions, it is pretty clear that Bob is not the man in this relationship. Dottie calls all the shots. After Betty Spaghetti’s husband dies in the war, Dottie quits on her team to go retreat to a lifetime of plucking cows and slowly draining the life away from her husband. Why the heck could she not stick around for another week to finish off the season? Only a coldhearted bitch would leave her team to rot with that hack Alice as the replacement catcher. Alice was killing them, god-damn killing them! Sure, Dottie does return for the last game, but the damage was done. If Dottie had not left the Peaches win in 6 games. It’s science.

Dottie tries to bunt with their best hitter. After Dottie, Marla Hooch is their best hitter. So why would she waste an out with her to advance the runners? She needs to quit thinking with her tits. They want a big inning there.

Dottie dropped the ball on purpose. Dottie is the Queen of Diamonds. She does not make mistakes on the field. Therefore I am convinced that when Kit rounded third, despite the ball already being in the infield, and plowed into Dottie at the plate that Dottie decided to let Kit have her moment. She had the ball, and then decided to drop it. Sure, it might be a good thing to do for her sister’s self-esteem, but she took a steaming dump on her teammates at the same time.

Dottie might have been a dude. She did not have any kids. She’s closing in on her mid-thirties. Back in those days that only happened if you could not physically have kids. So I am guessing either she would fail a gender test, or she had a hint of a penis. You decide.

But that is not all. Apparently in the original screenplay a lot more of Dottie’s questionable character comes to the surface…

Dottie had a thing for Jimmy Dugan. There was supposed to be a lot more interaction between Jimmy and Dottie, culminating with a kiss. These scenes were filmed, but cut out at the last minute. I understand a woman has needs, but for crying out loud, your husband is overseas trying to prevent us from all speaking German. If you are going to cheat on him, why not do it with All the Way May? Bob would have been fine with this. In fact, he would undoubtedly encourage it if he had pictures of it.

Dottie almost killed Marla’s unborn baby. Also cut was a scene where Marla Hooch came back to play for another team after her honeymoon, but is secretly pregnant. All the players know, including Dottie. Marla knows if the league finds out, she will be forced to leave the team. So to protect her and her child, the players agree to not slide in aggressively to second to protect Marla’s baby. So what does Dottie do? She slides in aggressively, nearly giving Marla an unorthodox abortion. In the original script, this is why she is seen crying in her room when Ball-less Bob shows up. Of course she’s probably crying that Marla was able to keep the baby.

Dottie gave the boy who drove her to the Suds Bucket a happy ending. In the original script she does make a man out of him. Not cool, the kid is only twelve.

Only one of these deleted scenes was made up by me. Can you guess which one? Here’s the deleted scenes, although it is 10 minutes long. I’ll trust you’ll come back to catch the ending of the article.

Pop Fisher’s Managerial Skills in The Natural
Early on in the film we see Roy Hobbs joining the Knights in the first month or so of the season. Pop Fisher, the Knights’ manager, despises how Roy Hobbs has been placed on his team without his say-so and he is powerless to do anything about it. That’s right, The Judge went over his helmet. Big no-no. So for the next several weeks Roy sits on the bench, stays quiet, and waits for his opportunity. Doesn’t happen. Pop doesn’t even let him take batting practice. Because of this no one gets to see how good Roy actually is. Pop’s stubbornness no doubt ends up costing his team a handful of wins early in the season right there. Strike 1 for Pop.

Eventually Pop finally gives Roy a shot at batting practice, where Roy puts on a clinic. The next game Roy comes up and literally knocks the cover off the ball (against the Phillies, of course.) just as Pop had commanded him. At this point of the movie it is pretty clear that the team is full of average to below-average players. Only one other stands out as a possible superstar, but he is a bit of a headcase to say the least. He is an early 30’s version of Bobby Abreu named Bump Bailey. Pop decides in his infinite wisdom that Roy can take over Bump’s position nicely, but gives Bump one last chance to prove himself.

At first it appears that Pop’s lighting a fire under Bump’s bump plays out marvelously, as Bump finally begins to show some heart and quits lollygagging. But his plan backfires… badly. Since Bump fears the wall greater than I fear intimacy he pulls a Dirty Rowand and obliterates the outfield wall, misses the ball completely and kills himself in the process.

In the end, Pop’s got blood on his hands. His decision to motivate Bump by threatening to replace him ends up killing what could have been protection for Roy in the lineup. I mean come on, couldn’t he just put Roy and Bump in the corners of the outfield? Roy was the ****ing Natural. I’m sure he could have played ANY position Pop asked him to. But no, Pop refused to have both of them on the field at the same time because he was all about making a statement. What he should have done was get them hanging out together so Bump would be keener on trying to compete with Roy. And maybe tagteam Kim Basinger. You know she’d dig that action.

Kelly Leak and Amanda’s Air Hockey Wager: Did They?

Kelly Leak is like a man among boys on the little league field. Probably because he is the Danny Almonte of the 70’s. So when Amanda wagers against him in an air hockey contest to get him to play for Da Bears, I am thinking Kelly bet for more than just a date with Amanda. And I am thinking this is why Amanda’s arm and shoulder were always sore.

If you know what I mean.

And so ends Part II of this mega-column. Stay tuned for Part III where I will over-analyze Basketball films.

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