Apr 232010

You know the drill. I keep on writing. You keep on reading. Here are my thoughts on problems I have with some Basketball films. This one is a quicker read. You’re welcome.

Teen Wolf’s Final Scene

No, not the exposed penis part. (Although some believe it was actually a woman who zipped up the fly in the final shot.) I am talking about the end of the game. During the montage we see Mick McAllister, Scott’s arch-nemesis, commit about 15 flagrant fouls, which in and of itself strains credibility. As does Mick’s girlfriend being interested in Scott. But I digress.

When Scott takes the final shot of the game, Mick finally fouls out. At this moment he should be escorted to the bench. Nope, doesn’t happen. Instead the ball-less referees allow Mick to stand directly underneath the basket while Scott is shooting the deciding foul shots. That’s right, a full decade before the South Park guys created the Psych-Out in BASEketball we see Mick pull it off here. Only his sneering fails to intimidate Scott, who drains the shots and goes on to live a life of mediocrity with Boof.

While I’m at it I might as well call out Chubby here. I cannot picture how any high school team, no matter how small, would have a guy who is short and fifty pounds overweight as a starter. Are the writers of the story really trying to tell us that at a normal US high school that Chubby is one of their elite athletes? And talk about an undersized lineup. With him and Scott as starters it is like trying to win with Frodo and Danny Devito. Without the Wolf they got nothing.


Joe Pesci Dunks in The Super

It’s a terrible movie that you should never see, and luckily has been forgotten quicker than you can say Gone Fishin’. In the middle of the movie Pesci is playing a pickup basketball game against some of his tenants. Near the end of the game he drives to the hole and posterizes a black dude.

Yes. Joe effing Pesci. The 48-year-old (when the movie came out) 5’4” Joe Pesci. I understand this was supposed to be a comedy, but we talkin bout Joe Pesci. We talkin bout Joe Pesci. Not Denzel. Not even Goldblum. No. No. We talking bout Joe Pesci. We talkin bout Joe Pesci.

Juwanna Mann’s Final Stanza

I am just going to go out on a whim here and say probably no more than 20 people here have seen this movie, and only 5 of these 20 will admit to it openly without threats of waterboarding. I saw it once (Once.) and that was more than enough for a lifetime. Almost all of it has been flashythinged from my mind MIB-style, which is absolutely in my best interests. But what I do remember is truly astonishing in how asinine it is.

Since this is a genderbender comedy you know at about the 1:00 to 1:15 part of the movie the big secret will be revealed to all that he is not a she, or she is not a he. It’s the law of these comedies. We’ve all seen it before in Tootsie, He’s My Girl, Yentl, Ladybugs, Just One of the Guys, that soccer movie with Amanda Bynes which is surprisingly not terrible somehow, and that Chad Lowe tennis movie that happened about 15 years before his ex-wife is euthanized by Dirty Harry. (spoiler there) Where was I? Oh yeah… When this happens everyone is furious at the main character for deceiving everyone for purely selfish reasons until this character somehow redeem him or herself, and the main love interest will not care anymore that they’re with a crossdresser somehow. We all know this will happen. Hey, it’s the movies.

Juwanna Mann is no different. Somehow the team finds out he’s not a woman, but they forgive him. (Because women are stupid, basically.) In fact, they rally behind him when he is up for reinstatement into his Pro Basketball League. While there, all of his female teammates are sporting their blingy championship rings.

Yes, championship rings! How in the bloody hell would the team EVER end up with championship rings? Every game that Juwanna was in would summarily be forfeited, which would lead to them ending up with a record similar to what the Sixers had this last season. Any run in the playoffs would be null and void. Juwanna/Juan/Jamal whatever his name is would be villainized, and mocked, for life.

Space Jam and Stupid Aliens

Nothing much to say about this one, except I find it hard to believe that if the aliens were trying to garner the skill set of the Earth’s greatest players that they would ever even consider stealing away the vast talents of Shawn Bradley. What the hell did they take away? What was there to even take away? It just doesn’t hold water. And therefore destroys an otherwise amazing movie.

(That’s sarcasm.)

Toldja it would be a shorter article. Stay tuned for the final section where I finish off with some miscellaneous sports flicks. Odds there will be a detailed rundown on the inappropriateness of Miyagi and Daniel-san’s relationship? Pretty damn likely.

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